In Barcelona

A diary

by

Henrik Larsson Bauman

2007

Translated by

Henrik Larsson Bauman and

Irene Bauman

In May 2007 I went to Barcelona. Since about a year I had been thinking to move there again and eventually I went to arrange a living. I lived there three years already 93-96. At that time I attended an art school and lived together with my girlfriend Ute who tought in a ballet school. It affected me a lot when the two of us separated and I ended up both in the mental hospital and on the street in Barcelona. Here follows the diary I wrote in May 2007 when I returned to Barcelona.

2007-05-08 If you sit (the pen reminds me to show weakness) at a table in the middle of the room, facing the door, the only one maybe, then the entering person ought to expect to be greeted by the seated one.... (smoke). I think a little bit to myself and then I laugh. Trust in perfection, the beautiful. But be aware of the ugly. Dirt. Is it time to go to bed? Or is time for another cigarette? I sit down to smoke with two ladies in the yard. Smoking yard. One is not allowed to smoke in the room. No, it's a dude and a lady. I wonder... I have found the right pension. If I'm not mistaking I lived at this pension eleven years ago. Somewhat carefully smoking. I give one of my lighters to the lady. The lighter I bought in Märsta. 03:20 Can't sleep.

2007-05-09 10:40 Sitting in the smoking yard. I have been out and had breakfast. A café con leche and a croissant. I want to make a documentary. Ought to buy a notepad instead of writing on the flight ticket reservation transcription. I have washed my face and under my arms. Ought to go to eat. I start to talk to a lady from New Zeeland. Her name is Ruth and I talk for a while with her. Then I go to my room and "talk with the troll".

I step into a café, travelator model. I order a café con leche and a croissant. Not much gets done today. I forgot my glasses yesterday when I went out for an extra stroll. I noticed how small my world is. The exterior world is knocking on my door. What shall I do? I could pass Ute's house again, to see if she is in. I don't want to chase. I don't succeed dealing with Babylon. I just want to create in silence. On the other side of the silence. Should I go for a walk. I will call my mom. I've bought a telephone card. Me and a woman who helped try calling without any result. I go back to the pension to see if the manager can help me. First I sit down on Plaza Real to wait a little before I disturb him. It's now siesta. I hope I've got good karma. Since the inner world is very weak right now. And the exterior one is knocking on my door. I seem to be lucky. No one has tried to trick or rob me. I noticed how much more lithe the Moroccans as well as the rest of the Africans were. Easier. Lighter. A bird sings beautifully.

Getting an eyeful... Inhaling Barcelona and Spain. Everything is just the same as ever. Just new people. I was at the bank today to check if I still had an account. Preferably with money. But the guy at the bank said, after checking in the computer, that I didn't have one. I eat two bananas. 13:00 I've got good balance when I stand on one leg drying my feet. The manager tries to help me with the telephone card but I think he's wrong. I lie down a bit but I can't get any rest.

I call dad and talk to him. I'm not able to reach mom. I sit down in the grass. A small grassy space at the end of the Rambla. I'm thoughtful. Is it right to come to Barcelona? Trying on my new shoes. They're not entirely open in front. Just a little hole in each corner in front. By little- and big-toe. I'm wearing my kaki-pants. The ones with the shallow front pockets and I'm aware of that I could drop the cell phone or some coins at any time. I wonder... I feel observed again. I want to sit by the water, 'cause there there's a breeze. I move. Messages. I sit down by the water. The boys play soccer. A school class cluster around to the left of me. I move around a bit and I buy a postcard and a stamp. I take some risks. I spread out. I sit down on Plaza del Pi. I withdraw another twenty. I sit down at Bar San Francisco. I'm a "giri" (slang that means something like "tourist") no matter how I turn it. But I has it's advantages to be polite and try properly. A lady in the shop called me "señor". The two only ladies in the bar where I sit are watching TV. Women’s sexy love stories. I can't find proper peace. Seems to be a screen version of a Harlequin book on TV. I'm impatient. I go "home".

18:05 I return to the room and lie down on the bed but can't get any rest. I've gotten a blister on my left little toe from all the walking. How will I find a place to live? The shoes look good but could have been more ventilated. I go out and eat a sandwich. My tooth hurts when I chew. I brush my teeth. I now feel a bit more confident with a sandwich in my stomach. I sit down in the smoking yard and smoke. I was a little bit cold in my t-shirt in Plaza del Pi. It feels better now. I don't understand how people handle the foot sweat. Maybe they don't walk about as much as I do. Today I've called dad, bought shoes and sent a postcard to Brage.

I'm a little bit lonely after all in this big city. I'm waiting for Ruth to turn up again. 18:55 I get rather impressed by the street statues, the artists that pose on the Rambla. I lean back. I get my tobacco out and I roll a cigarette. I prepare myself mentally to go out again. I can't sit here and brood. I go out to call Ove. I leave a message on Ove's answering machine. I return to the pension after a beer in Plaza Real. I sit down in the smoking yard and smoke again. I'm a serious Zulu-fighter. I have been unusually conscious of what's happening to me since I flew down here. Wearing my shirt. I think I walk more easy, more steady now. More practiced. I want to come out. I try to lie down. 20:20 I rest for a while after all. Then I hang some clothes in the closet. I drink some water. I go to sit in the smoking yard again. A little bug pays me a visit on the table. I want company here in the smoking yard. It feels like I've been here for much more then 24 hours. Feel like going out to buy a beer. I do that. On my way up again there is a man having trouble opening the door. I have a hard time deciding where he's from. Maybe Morocco. Maybe Katalonia. I open my beer and drink in my room. I will try to eat cheaper tomorrow. To find a cheaper sandwich. I sit down n the smoking yard again. I feel inspired. Now I’m on a roll.

I smoke a lot. It got dark now. Ali, he who had problems opening the door, shows up and sits down to talk to me over a cigarette. He tips me of a supermarket on the Ramblas called Carrefour. He's a decent fellow. He's from Morocco. I'm still impatient. I start to get a bit mossy. It's time to go to bed soon.

2007-05-10 9:15 I'm sitting in the smoking yard. A woman enters. She sits down at the other of the two tables. We chat a little bit. I go out to make a telephone call. Sitting by the water, ready for yet another conscious day. An elder man observes me. A school class passes by. I tan my pig like skin on my feet. The shoes are a bit warm but much better then the boots I had before. I'm impatient in the observatory grove. I get nowhere. Sitting in the sun. I shall meet Ali at the pension at 13:30. I look grim. Suddenly I remember how my dad tought me the meaning of the word "therefore" in an example when I was really young. I also remember how he got angry with me once when he thought that I was not boss of myself, as he put it. I remember I felt stung and stormed away for the bus.

I experience my physical world. Time passes by more slowly. In waves. I measure time in the frequency of how often I change. "What's happening to me?" Ras Babi used to ask in a telling way. The three girls on the bench to the left of me are Swedish. I wonder how much Ras Babi exists in the physical world. Is he a wise man? Am I a wise man? Yoga. What if I didn't participate with responsibility and consequences? I try to keep to that level. What is suffering? I suffer sometimes, that I know. I wonder if my body and soul knows that they need the sun. I've been sitting right in the heat in Plaza Real for a while now. I seek the shade. I sit down in a hot chair right in the sun in Plaza Real. It doesn't work out. Got to seek shelter. I move a few meters to Café Glaciar, which just opened. I sit down in the shade on the totally empty and deserted open-air café. I roll a cigarette. I get up and sit down at the other end of the table. With my back to the corner. I pond on whether I shall order a café con leche or leave it be. I leave it be. I go for a walk and finally I turn into the Rambla. The stroll got me in a good mood. I sit down in Plaza del Pi. I go back to the pension. I sit down in the smoking yard with a beer. Starting to feel the adventure.

I'm fat! A fatso. A helicopter drones in the air. I met a black man from Gambia. I said: "Yeh mon" to him all the time. As Ras Babi used to say to me. I feel rather relived. More synchronized. A clock strikes every fifteen minutes. When I've been talking to people, Ove and others, I've said that I'm looking for the banal. I go to rest. The cleaning lady tries to open the door so I don't bother to rest and I tell her that she can enter. I forget my glasses and go back to the room. It's the manager that makes the bed. The manager comes to the smoking yard and tells me that it's ok to go to the room now, or something.

13:25 The helicopter doesn’t give up. I go to get some water. Ali shows up and we go shopping. Then we go back to the pension to eat. I sit down by the water again and try to focus. 16:00 I spread my arms on the back of the bench for a while. Yoga can also be a chemical struggle. My eyes are irritated. I decide to go to call Pia. She can't help me with an apartment, so the next step is to buy the apartment ads, which I do. I don't understand or I can't find where the ads for rooms are printed. I ask the manager, but he gets fed up and asks me in return if I think that he knows everything. I go out to call dad. Kristin-Sophie answers. Dad's not at home. Kristin-Sophie asks me how I'm doing and how I find it down in Barcelona. I answer: well and hot. I consider taking a late siesta today since I haven't taken one yet.

17:20 I've gotten a blister also on the inside of my left little toe. I wash two pairs of underwear and a t-shirt. I don't feel like doing anything more this evening. I've got performance anxiety. I smoke. I go to call all the numbers I get out of the apartment ads. The only one I reach is already rented out. Sitting by the water. I decide to go to Plaza Real. I have to meet people to tell that I'm looking for a room.

I observe how a street artist involves the audience in his show. He's acting goofy and the two volunteers are supposed to ape him. I go to Plaza del Pi. I can't find anyone to make contact with. I shall try to wake up early tomorrow and call before people go to work. 21:12 I step in to translate a bit between the manager and three guests for tomorrow. I eat the rest of the baguette and the tuna fish that Ali gave me. The sore tooth is better. I have brushed my teeth thoroughly. I smoke as it feels cigarette nr. 1000. I shall go to bed after this one. I've taken off my shoes. I smoke in the room. I wash my feet. Yoga. Zulu-fighter.

2007-05-11 7:00 I dreamt a lot tonight. I spoke of the Law and God. I go to call. Only three ads are of interest and the two of which I get through to has got answering machines. Sitting drinking coffee. I return to the pension. I wash up. I go out to extract 20 Euros for another night at the pension. 9:15 Sitting in the smoking yard. Lying in my room resting a bit when Ali calls for "Larsson" out in the corridor. We greet each other and I come out to the smoking yard. Ali wants to borrow 20 Euros of me but I oppose. I don't dare to lend him the money. I hardly know him. I go to Carrefour to buy some hygiene articles and some food. I eat early today. 10:47 I eat in the room and then I sit down in the smoking yard. The manager shows up and offers me to stay here for 450 e a month. That was kind of him but it's to much. I don't know how long I'll be staying here. 11:11 I go to rest for a while. I go out to call and I get a room on the hook, a bit north of the old town, for only 250 Euros a month. I have a café con leche. I'm impatient. I shall take a look at the room at 19:00. I go to the subway to inform myself about the transport. The lady in the box is very helpful. I go back to the pension and I sit down in the smoking yard. It's 14:05 and I'm really excited. It would be to good to be true if I got my hands on this room and could start to live there in July.

I take a walk. I pass by Ute's front door and call on the entry phone, but no one answers. It's maybe just as well. What should I tell her? Would she be happy to see me? I sit down at Plaza Real. My kaki-pants are starting to get dirty. I've got ants in my pants. I go to the pension. I buy a cold beer on my way there. I sit down in the smoking yard. It's 15:22. I asked for Ras Babi at Jambore, the place where he used to arrange parties, the first night I was here, but the young guy in the door had never heard of him. Not as much Yoga today. Yoga is the struggle of health. I go to lie down in the room. When I set the alarm on my cell-phone I notice that I’ve got a message from mom that I should call dad. I go out to buy a new telephone card and I call dad. But no one's at home. I take of to the room I hope I can rent. I arrive there 48 minutes early. I sit down in a bar to have a café con leche. It's a nice neighborhood and I would guess about three quarters of an hour or an hour’s walk to the old town. It's light out even though the sun is on its way down behind the houses.

Later... It wasn't anything like what I had imagined but I think I'll settle for it. The room is let out by a really nice lady that lives with her father, or the other way around. Her husband is dead and her son, who doesn't live at home, is partially paralyzed. I move in tomorrow. There is a catch, that I've got to pay for the time that I take a trip back to Sweden, before I move in properly. I have a beer at bar San Francisco and I get drunk. I haven’t been eating much since I arrived in Barcelona. I'm going to eat now. Half a baguette with sardines. I eat in my room and then I sit down in the smoking yard. 21:00 What to do with the rest of the evening. I smoke a second cigarette. Strange, It was cool in the afternoon but now it's warm again. I've been lucky with the room. Have withdrawn 40 Euros today. I think of going out again but I go to bed instead. I can't sleep and I go back to the smoking yard. The clock strikes ten. It's a small room I'm going to rent. It's in the middle of the hallway of a small apartment. It's really just a double bed. A guy shows up in the smoking yard. He invites me for rum and coke. Borracho. He's drunk and talks loudly. He's just gotten of his shift on a boat. He goes to bed. I go to bed.

2007-05-12 I wake up at 8:00. I wash up a bit and go to have a coffee. It's Saturday morning and most places are closed, so I have to walk a bit before I find a coffee house that's open. Back at the pension. I've packed my things and I sit in the smoking yard to smoke a last cigarette in this place. I come to my new neighborhood an hour too early. I sit down at the same bar as last time to have a café con leche and smoke. I won't be able to close the door about myself in my new room, but I must say that it feels good to be uptown. I ask for a cold glass of wine. I get a small glass that is filled to the brim. What I like about this lady that is lending out the room is that she takes initiative. I don't want to get there to early. I call the entry door at one o'clock on the dot but the lady isn't there and the old man doesn't want to let me in. I feel worried. It's one thirty and I call the entry door again. I ask when the lady will be back and the old man answers: "tonight". What the heck! Has she changed her mind? Am I turned down? I go back to the pension and luckily the manager hasn't thrown away my apartment ads where the lady’s phone number is written. I call the lady and she says that her son shall live with her now. Something went wrong. I go out to buy a cold beer and a cold coke. I'm back to square one. Now I'll wait till Monday to buy new ads. Actually I saw something false, forced in the lady’s smile yesterday when we said goodbye. There was probably something false or at least troubled in my smile as well. I go for a siesta.

There is a guy and a girl sitting reading in the smoking yard. I don't want to disturb. I think they are from around here. The girl suddenly put on her glasses and then continues to read. Then she grabs the keys from the table and goes to her room. Shortly after the guy also leaves. I have a glass of white wine at Bar San Francisco. I get the wine out the uncooled container on the wall. It's moving, grooving at Bar San Francisco. A man in a black leather jacket and a white beard is standing in the very front of the bar and is talking to an old man. A guy screams over a tennis match on TV. I have another glass of wine. A cockroach finds it's way out on the bar desk. I hit it with the ashtray but it appears to be indifferent and hurries off. The guys start to sing and I smile to the man with the white beard. He smiles back and raises his hand in a greeting. I greet back and he greets back. I ask for a napkin and I wipe my forehead. I go back to the pension and I lye down for a moment. Then I sit down in the smoking yard. I go out for a stroll. I walk up the Rambla all the way to Plaza Catalonya and all the way down again. On my way down, in the backstreets, the Moroccan boys come up to me and wants to sell hashish, coca. "Nada?" I go home and I go to bed. I sit down in the smoking yard first.

2007-05-13 9:30 I get up to have a cigarette. When the shower gets unengaged I wash my hair. I sit down at Bar San Francisco to have a café con leche. The coffee is hot. A cockroach finds it's way out on the bar desk again and a try to hammer it with the ashtray but it hurries away and the old man to the right of me implies something to me with a fixed smile. I'm impatient. I go to Plaza Real. I go to buy food. I eat a baguette with tuna fish and I have a cold beer with it. I'm about to throw up. I sit down in the smoking yard. 11:50 I go to lie down on the bed. I wake up and I go to sit down at Bar San Francisco. 14:38 I dreamt very grand again. I have done that a few times now in Barcelona. I have a café con leche. I go to sit down at Plaza Real. Now I've got a blister on the right little toe. On the top. I go to check again if Ute is at home. This time a woman answers the entry phone but it's not Ute. The woman says that Ute hasn't lived there for many years. I go to buy a banana and then I go to sit down at Plaza del Pi. Then I sit down at Plaza Real again for a while. Then I go back to Bar San Francisco. I order a glass of wine. The woman behind the bar gets a bottle out of the fridge. I leave Bar San Francisco to go and buy a bottle of wine.

I get back to the pension and I hope that there will be someone there for me to share the bottle with but I get alone in then smoking yard. It's a tasty wine. For 2 Euros and 81 cent. I wait for someone to come. Thinking about Ruth. I want her to come back so we can talk some more. It takes a long while before I take the next swig. I drink something like between half and three quarters of the bottle and then I go out again. I sit down at Plaza Real, drunk. I want to meet somebody. I sit watching a man that later would turn out to be from Liverpool. He sits in a chair that is fixed to the ground. A Spanish woman sits next to him. The man sings Beatles tunes and she sings all sorts of songs, in English. I roll a cigarette. He starts to sing a song by Bob Marley and I fill in with "put my cards on the table". The man leaves and the woman comes over to me. We start to talk. Her name is Carmina, I believe it was. She tags along to the pension and we spend the night together.

2007-05-14 She says she can help me to find a room. I shall meet her in an hour at Plaza Real, at 8:30. We got up at six o'clock this morning. It was raining when we woke up, but it had stopped when we got out in the street. Then it rained a little more when I was to call on the apartment ads, at seven. My kaki pants are dirty but it is the only pants I've got with a button on the back pocket. I want to have my passport and my money there. I could put them in the shirt pocket instead if I tied my shirt around my hips. It's a quarter to nine and she hasn't turned up yet. I speak to a man in a wheel chair. I wait until nine o'clock and then I go back to the pension.

I lie down resting for a while on the bed. Then I go to buy a banana and a croissant. Then I sit down at Bar San Francisco to have a café con leche. I change a 50 Euro bill. I go to Plaza Real to look for Carmina. No Carmina. I guess I'll have to meet more people. I sit down at Café Glaciar at Plaza Real and am brought a cold café con leche. I don't dare to sit down with the man in the wheel chair and his friends along the wall. They are so dirty and I'm so clean. Carmina said that she teaches math in a school. Can I be so naive that she just put all kinds of things in my head just to get to sleep with me at the pension? But there is one thing that doesn't seem right with that reasoning, if she is out to explore me then why stop now? The local winos play the guitar and sings. I sit in the sun and listen with attention. Carmina shows up and I get happy. We sit down on the ground and talk. We also sit in silence quite a lot, but it's not an awkward silence. She offers me corn, coke and cheese doodles. I eat quite a lot of corn, I drink some coke but I more or less stay away from the cheese doodles. She asks if I want to stay here with her forever. I say I want to. She asks how I'm doing and I answer her that I'm a little bit nervous about this getting a room. She talks a lot to the local winos. We part at three o'clock and decide a date again at five already. I go to the store and buy a banana and a bottle of wine. I then go to Bar San Francisco to get the bottle opened since a corkscrew is 5 Euros in the local shop. I sit down in the smoking yard to eat my banana and drink my wine and smoke a cigarette. I drink fast. I asked Carmina if she knew Ras Babi and she said that Ras Babi is dead. I asked when and she answered: three years ago. I asked how he died and she showed how he had gotten stabbed with a knife. Strange that I hadn't noticed I thought.

Carmina is missing three front teeth. She said that she had lost them in a motorbike accident. I'm drunk now. I mostly speak Spanish to Carmina and she mostly speaks English to me. She doesn't drink any alcohol, doesn't smoke marijuana, doesn't take any medicine or drugs what so ever. It's admirable. I want to sing to Carmina. I finish the bottle of wine without getting sick. I feel good! I seem to have a good karma with Carmina and all. Or is it luck? I meet Carmina again and she sits down in my lap. I go to buy an avocado, a coke and a small bag of chips for us. Then she says that she's got a surprise and that she's just going to go to the Bar over there. Maybe it's a person or maybe a picture. She'll be just five minutes Forty minutes passes and I don't understand anything. Why leave me here? I go to Carrefour and buy a corkscrew for 1 Euros and 70 cents and a bottle of wine for 47 cents. I sit in the smoking yard. The wine tastes ok. I wonder what happened to Carmina. I'm not going to look for her any more now. 20:30 I guess I'll go to bed soon. I think I'll meet Carmina again. Shall I go to Plaza Real already tonight? It's probably no use.

2007-05-15 7:30 I get up, I go to the toilette and then I smoke a cigarette in the smoking yard. Then I go to have a coffee. I sit down for a while with the local winos at Plaza Real. I serve cigarettes and rolling paper. I go back to the pension to pay for another night. I have to change rooms. I go back to Plaza Real and I sit down with Mari and a gipsy called Chencho. We sit on the ground and drink beer. Then we go to the dining-hall of the church. One gets to eat for free there. I go back to Plaza Real. I sit there for another couple of hours. Then I go back to the pension and rest for three hours. Then I go back to Plaza Real but no one I "know" is there. I go to sit down at Bar San Francisco. I go to bed at 18:30.

2007-05-16 9:00 I leave the pension. I have a coffee. Then I sit down in a chair at Plaza Real. I speak a little bit with the Polish guy that usually wonders around in Plaza Real and a lady from here. She offers him tea. She says it's good for the stomach. She's seen him throw up. He has a really roughly treated little finger. It’s totally black. I sit down for a while with Mari. Then I go to la Leona, the dining-hall of the church. I sit down in a chair in the shadow at Plaza Real. Then I sit down at Bar San Francisco and I have a cold glass of white wine. I go back to Plaza Real and I meet Carmina there. I go to buy coca cola and we sit down on the ground. She leaves quite soon but we are to meet again at five o'clock. I go back to the pension to lie down in the bed for a couple of hours. It's six o'clock and I have waited for an hour for Carmina. She doesn't show up. I go to Carrefour and I buy nail nippers. Then I go to the pension and I finish the day there.

2007-05-17 6:43 I sit at the Plaza outside the pension and I wait for the coffee shop to open. I feel a little bit like a guru. I find another coffee shop. There I meet Ismael from Plaza Real. I move around a bit and I meet Carmina in calle Ferran. We sit down at Plaza Real. She's got a small radio Walkman with her and she starts to groove. Then she disappears. Before she leaves I ask if she has got those 5 Euros that she borrowed from me yesterday. She says that I will have them at four. 15:59 I sit at Plaza Real again after a siesta at the pension. The cops are provocating a guy from the local winos. The guy gets pissed off and leaves cursing. He calls them idiots and bastards. The cops just sneer. I wait until half past four. Then I go to Carrefour to buy a bottle of wine. Then I go back to the pension. It's hot today, especially now in the afternoon/evening. Carmina mentioned that she's usually at Bar Yauco at seven every morning. I know where the Bar is located and I'm going to be there at seven tomorrow. 18:20 I go to bed.

2007-05-18 7:00 I go to Bar Yauco. Carmina is not there. I sit a good while at Plaza de Pi and I have a conscious talk with Chencco. Then I go straight back to the pension. At the end of the street that leads to the street where I live an elderly, fat lady is standing. Our eyes met and she lits up (skiner upp). She asks how I'm doing and I answer "well". She says that she is working and I say "yes". She asks if I want to "fucki fucki" and I answer "no". 13:15 I lock myself in my room. I have to write! (Måste få skriva av mig) Shall I go out, take a shower or lie down on the bed? I think I'll smoke a cigarette in the smoking yard. Chencho is a good guy. He has respect. Someone is playing French music. There's a lot of philosophy in my head right now. I take off my shoes. It smells of food in the house. It makes me nervous. I go to my room. I wash my feet and under my arms. I change t-shirt and wash two t-shirts while I'm at it. I tie my shirt around my waist and I go out. It's hot outside. I go to Plaza Real to see if Carmina is there. She's not and I go to Plaza del Pi. I sit down. I feel lonely and I go back to Plaza Real. I am sitting and watching a girl changing shoes. She changes her socks also while she's at it. I get fascinated of how brisk (pigg) she is. She completely jumps out of the chair when she's done. I sit for some more and then I get to my feet rapidly. Some pigeons flutter away with a warning. "The devil is close now" I hear from the inner space. I sit again with Chenco at Plaza del Pi. I go back to the pension to take a pee. 18:51 I sit in the smoking yard. I think that I'll go to bed after this cigarette.

2007-05-19 I sleep well and long. I go to Bar Yauco. No Carmina. I go back to the pension to rest a little bit. Then I go to eat at la Leona. Then I go back to the pension to take a siesta. Then I go out to the city. Bar Yauco. Plaza Real. I have gotten into a dead end. I want company. Carmina shows up but she has to leave straight away. She would be back at six o'clock. 18:23 I sit at Plaza Real. No Carmina. I speak to an elderly lady from Germany. She's been here for twenty-five years. I wait till 19:03 then I go to Carrefour and buy a sandwich. It's a long line at Carrefour. I don't buy any wine. I'm not in the mood to sit in the smoking yard and drink all by myself. It is Plaza Real for another while. Neither Chencho nor Carmina are there. I've forgotten my glasses at the pension. I buy a beer and I go back to the pension. I feel calm for the first time on this journey. I have landed now. 20:40 I go to bed.

I sit down by the ocean to meditate. Suddenly I'm incorrectly meditated. That damned Leponex is creepy. I miss Ove and Darco and Ras Babi today. Are they all gods? Shouldn't I be my own god? Yoga. It was fun to make some drawings on the side. I look some at the drawings that I've made. Dream hunter. Can I enjoy Babylon? My aura is also cap. It hurts to knock off a thorn. As a fallen horn. A knocked out tooth. A lost finger. A rock. I go to Plaza Real and I sit down in the shade. I take off my shoes. Shaman. It has been raining on my aura and I have to unfold the tent. I smoke. I want a challenge. I go to crash at the pension. I come back to Plaza Real. I'm ambitious. I go to crash a second time. Out again. I sit down at the same café where I met Ismael. The outer world, is it one or more people? Tåström and Tom Waits. What are they doing? Herman Hesse and the Enlightment. Krshna.

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13:32 I go to Plaza Real. I sit down at Glaciar. No one that I know is in the Plaza. It's a market in Plaza Real. I have a café con leche. A second waiter appears, after that I've ordered, and helps me out with the phrase "ya aspitado" which I think means that I've already ordered. I'm (one) with God. I sit in the shade. I'm enlightened but hungry for something. Is it the mother's milk? "Dictionary of the Kazars" I'm waiting for the sun to set behind the house so I can sit in the shade on one of the chairs on the plaza. It will be at least an hour. Suffering comes over me and leaves me hopeless. I want to reach a higher or maybe deeper, more secure level where I can feel good all the time. A woman gets dragged forward by a boy who she holds in his t-shirt. It looks like a mistress with her dog. A lady starts dancing. I don't know if she's a belly dancer. She jogs her boobs with bumping her chest, like Shakira. (Hon guppar på tuttarna genom att stöta med bröstkorgen, som Shakira). Then she walks around the tables and begs. I go to Plaza del Pi. The chemistry is knocking on the door. Just like the suffering. I go back to Plaza Real. I want my history! I go to buy a croissant. I can imagine that every soul is intersectional with all other souls. One can exist within someone else. I put on my shirt. I try to whistle. No one hears. I want to mind my own business. Take it easy. Illusion, what is that? Who, what am I? Is my aura open? Do I have any windows? Am I out of the birthday cake? Birthday present. I meet Liljana on the side of la Rambla. I'm sweating. Falstaff fakir mentioned something about being in between the Crocodile and the Tailor with the scissors and then fly up into the air.

Con leche, cortado, Jack Daniels, vino. I sit in the bar talking to a guy about all kinds of things. I'm like Ras Babi sometimes. I learn a bit of Spanish.

2007-05-21 Flying nicely. Babylon is haunted. I get a hot café con leche. Mister Yoga is here. By the rivers of Babylon. I have myself an early siesta. The suffering. The risk. Life. I'm not crazy. Then it rained for a while for Ras Babi. Faster then the light. Aliens. Tom Waits. The history is just like me. But what time is it? The keys to the chest. Where do the children come from? But Babylon is I. My identity? Being reborn. Without having died in between. Am I maybe broken? The hygiene is very important for the aura. Daddy, how did it happen? Rasta children. Flamenco. Neanderthaler. I hit the sack. My older brother.

I make it out of the fix. But to a price. Documentación. I'm starting to wake to life. There's only one philosophy and that is mine, like the virgin. I don't understand. The snake lies in the basket and closes the lid. Alkemia takes a rest. It's odd how natural science fits with me. I've got it quite good really. “He doesn't know how beautiful the story is.” Yoga in Babylon? I laugh quietly to myself. The machine. The magician. Attractive. Estamos bien. No ai nadie. Every relation has got it's own time. What if every room is it's own universe. The hygiene and the natural science. And I lie down on my back. I immediately sit up again and learn to speak. Suffering. Everything is possible. The illusion. I don't want to work. To express what you see is to create. Intimacy, what is that? Bubbles? I have to smoke. I'm thirsty for gold. I want a new yoga challenge. I have to unwind. It should be fair. I've got a plan. To change. To grow. I lie in bed for a good while. I'm well meditated but I don't feel quite good. I don't think it's fair. But the hygiene is good. It feels good in the wind. I seek the beautiful, the hopeful. It's a day of great wonder. To eat what is that? I have a cup of coffee with sugar at Bar San Francisco. I follow the action with great interest. Yoga. I have to be able to calm down. Karma, what is that? I don't want to play any games. I want to know the truth. A child cries intensively in the Bar. I have a whole lot to sort out. I just don't get anywhere. I write. I need to get closer to my "body".

The police comes and chases us away. In the troll forest there is no police. I go to Bar San Francisco. It has (after all) been a quite good, successful day. Have spoken some to the people. Have eaten but ought to learn how to fast. I watch TV. Roots, what is that. The party is over. Time to find somewhere to sleep. The pension. I sit down in the smoking yard to have a beer. I burp pleasantly and nicely. Where am I heading? What future have I got? I go to bed. I sit in my room and smoke in the middle of the night. I laugh to myself. At what, I don't know. I wanted life to get a little bit more exciting. I want to dream more. I want to be free. Free like a bird. I do what I can do. "If one doesn't sow one doesn't get to harvest.", Håkan said. I wait for the morning. With all that happens, is there a purpose? You must try. Try, try, try. Meditation. I don't want to loose my consciousness. I feel good. I want to find a girl to play with. I say no to "strudel Peter". I don't want to mix with him. Nor with "Lisa fisa". Wicked.

I wake up in splinters but soon I pick up the pieces. I wash up and then I go to have a coffee. I then meet Liljana, Tony and others outside Café Cosmos. We go to eat breakfast at a German priest. Then I go to pay the pension. When I get back my friends are gone. I move around for a while and finally I sit down at Plaza del Pi. I wonder how one makes it without water. Then you are not to sweat. I sit and stare at the TV at Bar San Francisco. 2007-05-23 9:13 Håkan and I were out on a hike yesterday. He preached about God. I sometimes have mood swings. I feel bad sometimes. What happened to the hypnotist? Or the voodoo musician? "The wicked music" What's the name of the car? Does one die when one falls a sleep? To loose consciousness, isn't that a way to die? But one doesn't feel it.

Later...(in my room). The hygiene is personal. I take farewell to the room. What happened to the exhaust pipe? The raw, liberating laughter. The steam engine. I have to make a move now. I leave the pension. I put my stuff in my backpack and I go out to look for Mustafa. Ones hygiene is ones private universe. Now I land in the street. I have to get my engine started (in Babylon). I first sit down at Plaza Real but soon I move to the Plaza outside Café Cosmos. Or Plaza del Teatre as it says on the sign at the bus stop. It’s difficult to keep clean. My hygiene is affected by the people who get close to me. I give up. To be natural, what is that? I get a visit in the inner space by Anil and the hypnotist. I accept and forget. There are two sides of a ditch. The ditch can be dark, cold and wet. But it can also be full of fruits, says Håkan. Me, Alex and Håkan goes to the beach.

A day later. The smutch animal is after me drooling, raining on me. It itches at times. Yesterday I slept in the harbor, but tonight I slept at the pension. I wonder if my inner life will be the same in Nynäshamn. As we strive true Babylon. Suffering. I think of God. I meet Carmina and come with her to a market. Carmina buys a pair of pants. They are too small. She goes into the Bar and tries them on. She comes out with the pants unbuttoned and halfway down. Her bum is half bare. She says what I've already said, that they are too small. Then she puts on an other pair of trousers. The guys are standing smoking hashish outside the bar. Carmina eventually swaps for a jacket. The police comes and makes a razzia at the market. I want to bring Carmina to Plaza del Teatre so that she and Håkan can get to meet. But Carmina doesn't want to.

Next day. My health goes in waves. I sit thinking about all the people I meet. In ordinary life and in the inner world. Everyone is so serious. "Except Håkan", Håkan writes in my notepad.

Sunday 9:00 Came to find the truth. How it really is. I sit at the bar that opens early. I have my faith in Brasse. I move. In the outlands there are no gods. I have to give up for gravity. I meet Paul and Carmina. I'm much more careful than Carmina. I wait. I sit down in the sun again. Maybe Håkan can help me to find somewhere to sleep. It's time to wrap things up. I reflect. It's a troubled day. But I laid on my back on Plaza del Teatre. I sit watching Manson begging for money. Håkan comes by.

Next day. I sit on the beach taking the sun on my back. I'm a guru. Just like my friends Håkan, Alex and others.

Next day. I love these people. I come back to the pension after to days in the harbor. I'm tired of struggling.

I wonder how the blisters on my feet appear. It can take really long before the blisters gets worse or bursts.

EPILOG

It turned out that Ras Babi wasn't dead at all. I found his blog on the net one day and have now resumed contact with him. The link to his blog is to be found on the link page.